Galendewagen

The 2015 G63 AMG

Just like Funke Akindele alias Suria, Aka Jennifer preferring her "modern name". The Mercedes Benz G63 which happens to be the most popular of all G Wagons had at its birth "Geländewagen" for its name. It has become more popularly known as the G Wagon. In German Gelandewagen simply means cross country vehicle. In its 38 year history, its engine has more than tripled in size in respect to displacement. If you were like Capt. America and fell asleep in the first year of the G wagon's creation and woke up just yesterday to a 2017 model, you'd still pretty much recognize it. Style wise, it’s kept its boxy shape. Its oldest rival the Range Rover has had just about the same number of year editions but has morphed into a modern 21st century all terrain luxury vehicle. The G Wagon has had none of that nonsense. Sure it’s picked up a ton of luxury amenities but it hasn’t gone all soft and dropped off the core of its go “anywhere” underpinnings. Unlike the Range Rover which relies on a combination of mechanical and electronic wizardry, the G wagon relies less on electronics. It achieves its untouchable status using a bunch of levers and gears. While both the Range Rover and G wagon are very expensive vehicles I’ll ask you a question, and you don’t get to choose none; which would you rather drive to Iyana Ipaja?

You often might wonder what all the hype about this car is. After all it’s just a body on frame SUV. Nothing special about that. Every 4 Runner, Sequoia, Xterra you’ve ever seen has the same formula. So what’s so unbelievably cool about the G wagon? I recently had the good fortune of driving a 2015 G63 so I can confidently tell you not one single thing standing on it own makes it special. It’s like the Manchester United of old. Little bits here and there all woven nice and neat doing what it’s been made to do. The renaissance of the G Wagon started in the mid 2000’s. Prior to that no one in these parts even knew of such a vehicle. The G Wagon has become a symbol of style and splendour. If you never knew what the G wagon was all about, Bruce Willis could tell you a bit about it. Whoever didn’t want one after seeing him in “A good day to die hard?”

Center Dash

Nothing can this squarer

The Key that commands 500 plus hp

Gauge Cluster

Boot Compartment

Joachim Smith I see you!!!

One thing that struck me about this car is the sheer amount of power a vehicle sitting so high can have. And I don’t think I am alone in this. Remember the renaissance I talked about earlier? The cool factor with this car came after the introduction of the G55 in 2005. Without the power, the G Wagon is a tall, slow capable off roader. The addition of a Supercharger whacked up power to about 460Bhp in the G55 matted to a 5.4L engine. These days on the G63, power is over 500bhp from a 4.4L twin turbo. On the G63, steering is heavy at low speeds and full lock takes about 2.5 turns. This is one of those cars that has allowed form take FULL control over function. Where else will you find a 100 plus thousand dollar car with exposed hinges and door latches that close shut like a World War 2 riffle?

It’s not supposed to still be alive today. Mercedes Benz wanted to kill off the G Wagon and therefore built its replacement. Put in everything the G Wagon didn’t have, even an extra third row of seats. That SUV is known as the Mercedes Benz GLS. Much to the surprise of the gentlemen from Stuttgart sales continued to soar with the G Wagon after the side by side introduction of its replacement. So they said, we’ll keep it out there a few more years and see. Since that time at least two insane variants have been introduced. The G500 4x4² and the G63 AMG 6x6. 

The G63 AMG 6x6

The G500 4x4²

It’s not all a bed of roses with the G63. It doesn’t drive as well as other hard performance SUV’s from its parent nation such as the Porsche Cayenne Turbo or its own sibling the ML 63 AMG or the GL 63AMG or even the Range Rover Autobiography. One thing it does better than these other guys is make you smile as you can hear me goofing off

Choices

Where do I start from?

Politics has often been an area I choose not to deliberate on. In the last couple of years a lot has gone wrong in the country and in my little way I kind of now understand the difficult choices “Sai Baba” must have to contend with daily. In his closet this question must’ve popped up a good number of times, “Which one do I start with”?

I had the same question thrown at me for this article.I met a league of extra ordinary gentle men through a colleague of mine who loaned me their cars, apologies, AUTOMOBILES for this drive review. They had in their arsenal these babies listed below:

Land rover: the dependable workhorse. The one you take when you have to visit a relative in Abesan. Built like a tank. It doesn’t scream luxury. It blends into the neighborhood as its ancestors are still used to chauffeur building blocks to and from client sites.

Lexus GX 460: The dependable luxury workhorse. Filled to the brim with everything. Name one feature you’d like in an SUV and its most likely listed as a standard feature on this baby. 

Range Rover Autobiography: All I can say here is if you need to carry four people in absolute luxury, get this truck

Mercedes GLE Coupe 400:

A viable substitute to the much misunderstood BMW X6

I had a limited amount of time and while all of these cars have a unique identity about them I had to narrow my focus for this article to just one of these cars. A brief roll of the dice through my mind and I had to just get into the Range Rover Autobiography. Make no mistake this is a $120,000 monster on wheels and at today’s rate you’re looking at 70million Naira if you’re bringing it into the country yourself.

In its presence, the Range Rover Autobiography gives you an idea why a man will make a living off holding his fellow country man hostage. Open the soft closing doors and you’re greeted to the sweetest scenting, soft napping leather known to man. It’s softer than a babies buttocks. This is an absolutely fantastic place to be in.

The shear drama associated with an engine start is in one word, Majestic. This Range Rover Autobiography has the super charged engine. 500 plus horse power coupled to a super charger whines so beautifully. The first thing you notice is the rotating dial on the transmission which pops up on start up. The current edition of the Mercedes S Class prides itself as the only vehicle to not traditionally have an incandescent bulb. Well, the Range Rover Autobiography was the first to have a totally digital driver’s cockpit. Its so well thought out that the tow mounts are electrically retractable. You want to have a drink with your mates while chilling out? fold down the electrically controlled boot lid and it will support the weight of three regular blokes. Opulence and luxury is what this vehicle was designed for. Its no slouch either, it'll hit 60mph in 5.1 seconds while pulling 2.3 tonnes. Except you drive a Super car, do not attempt to race this bad boy.

Obama and the Queen of England go for a ride.

To be fair I can’t do justice to a review of this SUV. I am intimidated. This is an SUV that has been used by the Queen of England to chauffeur the leader of the free world. It’s simply that brilliant.

* Do you have a "Special car and you'd like featured here? Please mail me @ biodunb3000@gmail.com 

  

My American dream

Focused. Restricted view, eyes up ahead on the road away from the mundane interior is how the test Camaro featured here gets you to sit. The windscreen is raked backwards giving the driver the message this is a car to be taken seriously. 

2011 Camaro test car

I have 1 lap, take it out for a quick spin and worse still i have to share the lap with my sidekick.
I opt for the long route, a trip to Vgc and back. On a Friday night this would give me sufficient time to fully max this car out but on a Saturday afternoon i would need to be at my A game to dare test its output. 

2011 Camaro test car rear view

Set out point was Osapa, i take the short stretch to Jakande to familiarize myself with the beast lurking underneath the bonnet. Brakes are firm, steering has a 2 turn lock, seats are bolstered firmly. This car has a custom-fitted JL audio system that costs as much as a small car.

9000$ sound system fitted to the test car

I don't hear any of whats playing out over the stereo as my heart is beating fast. I can feel the sub-woofers tearing against my seat and hitting at my kidneys. How will i conquer the wild animal which will be unleashed once i open the taps is what i am focused on.
There's a lot at stake here, this is the most powerful car i have driven and while this test car isn't the SS or RS it still packs enough punch to beat almost every car you see on the road. A quick poke at the accelerator pedal sees me dart past one, two, three cars before the 2nd gear comes. Ohh boy, this was gonna be 1 heck of a ride. In the corner of my eye, i see my test partner gripping for roof holder, it wasn't there. I was going past cars on the road like yokozuna was tearing through pizza's. I had arrived at the chevron toll gate all too soon... It was a hot afternoon, it was getting hotter still and so i ask my buddie to power on the AC.

Approaching the Chevron toll gate.

 This was about half way through my half lap of this test. Cooling came quickly and precisely, i was fast acquainting myself with this car. Though a base model, this car came with a sports exhaust which meant the faster you go, the louder the exhaust note became. I was aiming for every car on the horizon and gunning them down with no effort. I approached the Megachicken turn and didn't bother to lift off the accelerator. I took the turn on the outer lane, crossed right to the inner lane and had the round about in my sights. It was like being thrown into the room with the girl you dreamed off in secondary school and your 2 minutes were almost up...you would look around and check to see if you'd done everything. I was at that point here and as i looked at the dash, i was clocking 145-150km\h. For purposes of comparison, the speedo tops out at 160. In this car you get no sensation of speed. The word speed is dead to you in this beast. 

Center stack on the 2011 Camaro

My brain instantly told my huge right foot to get up and move, move over to the break pedal and slow things down. I reached Vgc seconds after my brain functioned on its own for the 1st time in a long time.
This had been an experience, i had in my own way lived the american dream!!!!!!  

Living the dream

Olaotan my side kick having a go at the Camaro

PS: A big shout out to my main man the 'Jike' and AOO for loaning me the test car.

300

There is something particularly interesting about the number 300. When a movie has a title "300" or the Horsepower output of a car is 300, you know its going to be some scary fun.

Being a Car critic, I have been privileged to drive a diverse array of cars and embarked on some hair raising races. As fortunate as I have been, I never crossed the 300Hp mark behind the wheel of a car. That is until now. Let me put this in perspective, majority of the people who will read this article will own a Japanese car Largely Toyota's. Fewer will own the top of the range models that come with V6 engines. As for a fact, as fast as any V6 engine is on any Toyota model , it is LESS than 300Hp. Apply the same rule to Honda’s as well.

2007 Acura Tech Package with rear DVD system

Being behind the wheels of a 300hp is an experience. It would rival a devout Muslim visiting the holy city of Mecca. I have never been a Honda/ Acura fan chiefly because of the nasty experience I had while trying to dispose of a 2002 Honda Accord. It was a full spec model with a V6 engine doing some damage. For its 2 year life cycle, the owner had replaced the transmission 4 times. It had the most damaging shift delays.

The 2007 Acura MDX Sport Package with Entertainment pack redeemed Acura’s lost image with me. The MDX at inception was a souped up version of the Honda Pilot. For its 2^nd generation, Acura went bunkers. Minus all the tech Gizmos that makes you love the MDX, it packs a 3.7L 300Hp engine which has power going to all wheels via Acura’s proprietary SH-AWD.

I had the pleasure of spending a week with this car and I can tell you very few things will outrun it on the streets of Lagos. 

The Ultimate Offroader

One of the 1st things you notice as a 1st timer in Abuja is the obvious lack of presence of SUVS. This is more glaring if you have spent sometime in Lagos.
Other than the need to cross the vast majority of pothole infested B roads in Lagos, the SUV is a symbolic tool of wealth display in Nigeria.
There are as many categories and configurations on the Suv cadre as there are data bundles on MTN network. I have always hated Suv's, they are slow, guzzle fuel and aren't particularly sporty. Even the luxury models aren't always particularly space oriented. I have joined the ownership craze and there's a BMW X3 for the family now. Its fast, and drives very well. 

Lexus GX 470

It does have a draw back though, its a very aggressive vehicle and will at no mention will kick you in the back of the head.
As i have publicly declared before now, i am totally biased whenever it concerns the Lexus brand. I love the Ls 430 and only just recently bought an Es 300 for a client when he clearly insisted he wanted a Honda Accord. Its no surprise therefore when i tell you the best Suv out there in the market is the Gx470.

Its silky smooth and extremely refined. Its got some power to itself, but it wasn't meant to be hustled. It was built to caress every inch of your being and make you realise life doesn't need be so intense. Its closely built on the Toyota Prado which i would liken to a 'baby reaching its full term and one which was delivered at only 6 months'.
If you own a Lexus Gx470 today, please give it a hug and a kiss. If you don't,find someone who does and take a ride in it. And further still if you don't belong to any of the categories above, jump off a cliff because you're dead anyway!!!

More and More

More and More was the title track off Joe's famous album "And then". I thought i was Joe's biggest fan till i met my course mate and eventual room mate in the person of SAHIB. I Loved Joe, i still do. My greatest regret was not being to attend any of his shows when he came to Nigeria. If you listen to the Song "More and More" you will get a sense that enough was just about sufficient but Joe wanted an over the top sexual experience.

Hennessey venom GT

For several years i have touted the Germans as being the best at making cars. The Bugatti Veyron super sport which is at heart a German car was the fastest production car till it was upstaged by some drunk car manufacturer in the form Hennessey venom GT. The excess speed comes from pumped off versions of the original cars packing extra horses.

Bugatti Veyron super sport


This extra horse power madness has been dragged right across the street to 4 door saloon cars. Let me put some perspective to this, the Toyota Camry 2007 model 4 cylinder engine has 158hp. For most of you out there, you will never clock out the maximum speed limit. The cars i shall list below, pack as much as 4 times the amount of power present in the Camry. Do they sit as many as 4 times the number of occupants or have 4 times more doors? The rhetorical response to that is NO.

10. Jaguar XFR-S - 550 HP

9. Cadillac CTS-V - 556 HP

8. BMW M5 / M6 Gran Coupe - 560 HP

7. Audi RS7 - 560 HP

6. Porsche Panamera Turbo S - 570 HP

         

5. Mercedes-Benz E63, S63, CLS63 AMG - 577 HP

4. Rolls-Royce Ghost V-Specification - 593 HP

3. Bentley Continental Flying Spur - 616 HP

2. Mercedes-Benz S65 AMG - 621 HP

1. 2015 Dodge Charger SRT Hellcat: 707 hp

As you can rightly guess my anger stems from 2 successive defeats to the Germans coming from the American camp. it feels like WWII all over again.
Other than winning wars, the Americans aren't really good at any thing else. They're especially terrible at building cars. But when they upstage the Germans in 2 successive battles in less than 2 years, it could only mean one of two things: they've built utterly rubbish cars or they have managed to do the unthinkable, build exceptionally brilliant cars!!!!

5ft 9”

There is a certain calmness that comes with knowing you are above average. Ask any guy out there, the thought of a man falling below average especially in certain “regions” can be a deadly blow to his ego.

My reason for this thought, the Kwazimodo. That’s the name giving to the Lexus ES300 which I recently helped a goon of mine acquire. This will be my third stint with any Lexus. Some say I have a huge bias for Toyota’s luxury line up, in a way I do believe this to be true.

What is clear to me is my grave animosity for bland vehicles. A large percentage if not all Toyota's are built this way. Reliability, economy and least performance are the criteria with Toyota’s are set up on.

2014 Toyota Corolla interior

Lexus on the other hand are set up to be Luxurious and performance driven. In my opinion, Lexus is what every Toyota should have been. Let me highlight a clear example.

interior of 2004 Toyota Camry XLE V6 test car

Interior of 2003 Lexus ES300 test car 

Though separated by a few months by date of manufacture, power on these cars above are clearly identical as highlighted below:

Car	2003 Lexus ES300	2004 Toyota Camry XLE V6
Hp	210	210
Cylinders	6	6

2003 Lexus ES300 test ca

2004 Toyota Camry XLE V6 Test Car

Strangely both owners of these cars are close buddies. The drive and feel of both cars are strangely very similar but widely different.

The Lexus is deafeningly quiet and shifts require you to keep your eyes on the tachometer to know when it happens. The Toyota is more audible and doesn’t like to be pushed around corners a lot. They acceleration on the Lexus is very direct, intense and linear. The Camry goes but you get a sense of it wanting you to put an effort into it.

2003 Lexus ES300 test car

2004 Toyota Camry XLE V6 test car

The picture above should explain the simple difference between these two cars. The item highlighted in RED in the Lexus is called the front strut Bar. It basically acts as an anti-roll bar. It keeps things nice, turgid and neat. This for me is the basic reason the Lexus drives so very well.

Make no mistake, the ES300 doesn’t drive like a BMW 3 series. It also doesn’t drive like a Toyota. But like a Toyota it possesses the ease of mind factor. You know this car will take you out, bring you back home and if it does fail on the open road it won’t cost an arm and a leg to fix.

Friday Night's

Friday nights are always special. Even women of loose virtue expect an increased patronage on Friday nights. So when a former OMTI associate such as myself gets a green card to stay out late on a Friday, you know something is going to go down when I have only just gotten my pay check and I have in my possession a BMW X3 and the company of a Japanese car faithful always looking for a good fight.

2003 Toyota Camry LE

2004 BMW X3 2.5i

In company of the Friday night hang out was General Ologun, a 5ft 8” colleague who had previously raced a co- colleague in his 2001 ML Mercedes till he almost crashed it. General Ologun won that episode. I, being a German car lobbyist could not stand the shame as Capt. Gucchiano was relentlessly battered and pounded on that race home to Ajah.

On my shoulders rested the responsibility of the German bias, this race was before the world cup finals. The Germans had not stamped their name in world matters since WWII. I knew it was going to be a closely fought race and I immediately went on the offensive.I almost ran him off the road of the back stretch coming off water copration Rd into Ligali ayorinde. If I was going to redeem the pride of the Deutschland Capt. Gucchiano had let go to the dogs, I had to employ all kinds of mind tricks. That dangerous and intimidating overtake had signalled the start of the race.

Fast forward to 2 roundabouts later on lekki epe. I had taken the alternative route. The General took the toll. Hazard lights flashing I parked by Marwa round about and knew the General was going to come out all guns blazing. The general misconception in this part of the world is that bigger vehicles and newer vehicles are always going to be faster. You cannot be further from the truth. The chart below should better explain just how close this race was going to be:

	BMW X3 2.5	Toyota Camry LE
Year of Manufacture	04	03
Hp	184	154
Fuel Consumption	17/23 Mpg	24/34 Mpg
Cylinders	6	4
Gears	5	4
0-60 times	8.4	8.6
Curb weight	1814 kg	1425kg
Engine displacement	2.5L	2.4L

 Source
Refrence

Any advantages of 30Hp I had was offset by the almost 400kg additional weight the X3 carried along with it. The flash speed with which I was left with at the roundabout while waiting for the race on the open road, opened up a nearly 5 second lead for the General.

I had driven his measly Camry and I knew it had one fatal flaw; the brakes sucked. Lekki Epe road is now notorious for the number of roundabouts it has. This race was going to be won or lost at one or more of the many roundabouts. I approached the braking zone for the next round about at 140km/H. I watched up ahead as the General tried to brake and his Japanese crap struggled for grip, twerking about like Miley Cyrus on stilettos. I waited late and slowed down, going into the roundabout at 70Km/H. With a gentle flick right and then left and a right foot on the accelerator I was I approaching nearly 100km/H in just a few seconds and I was right on the Generals ass. It was now neck and neck and on the next stretch I had weaved past him thanks in part to good lane prediction and the fact the X3 had a manual Mode. Under hard acceleration, the Bmer would hold gears all the way to its redline before up-shifting. The Camry couldn't do that.

Much more than the raw power the X3 offered, I was mostly impressed by the fact that this here was an SUV that accelerated better than a closely powered car and handled like it was a dream. What killed it for me was the fact that above 150Km/H, there was a deep roar coming from the engine. The last car I heard that from was from Blue angel (a 504 GR), accelerating above a 100Km/H.

By chevron toll gate, I had opened up more than 4 seconds advantage and to kill the race I had to choose the perfect toll booth. I was torn between booth 1 and 4. A last second mind change saw me swerve from booth 1 to 4 at almost 120Km/H and braking very late ensured the race was over. The General could not brake half as hard as i could and he had to offload his weekly scrub bymega chicken bustop.

It wasn’t much of a race beyond this point, I simply like Lewis Hamilton in the last British Gran Prix had to nurse the X3 home.

Stealth Bomber

The might of the American CIA stems from its agents being able to move about and mingle with its target in a rather inconspicuous manner. A bunch of highly trained individuals watching over their target sometimes for moths and years without their 'prey' ever having a whim of just what danger lies ahead.

The C280 Elegance 2000 model fits the description above perfectly. A deadly weapon that is totally underrated. In today's Nigeria, driving a Mercedes of any sort is a rare privilege. Unlikely as is the case of a repeated thunder strike at the exact same spot, it sometimes happens. I get a chance to drive what i consider to be the best value for 'money car' in Nigeria, The 95-2000 generation C class. 

C280 Elegance

This weeks test car packs a 2.8L V6 with a punchy 194Hp**Just about the same power as a  V6 2000 Camry or Baby boy**, a 5speed automatic transmission, 1 touch up/down power windows, Central Lock, cloth seats and 1 button touch rear head rests recliners. Mercedes Benz made the internal combustion engine, technically it means they made what we know as cars. That edge is still evident even after 1 century.

Mercedes Benz C Class Elegance 2.8L V6

Key Fob

Entry to the car is strictly via remote access. in the event, the battery's in the remote access suddenly goes dead, there's a key embedded in the Key fob with which you may open the drivers door after which you slide the Fob into the slot and turn lightly. You'll be greeted with the sound of a pleasantly sounding V6. Shifts between positions are short and precise. Proponents of weight loss should buy this car. It takes a fair amount of effort to actually depress the accelerator pedal. Unintended acceleration which plagued Toyota a few years back can never exist in this Merc, a reasonable amount of effort is need to get the accelerator pedal to travel any distance.

When last did you drive any car with this sort of pedals?

Flooring the accelerator pedal is a very rewarding experience. You're thrown back into your seats that grip you rather well and you suddenly are hurled towards the horizon. The acceleration in this car is very, very potent. As fast as you can say GEJ, you're already over a 100Km/H. Stopping is probably more fun, Mercedes has spared no expense to fit very good brakes on it. You get a definite reassuring feel that these brakes can be called on time after time.

Verdict: Great value. Cheap to purchase and affordable to run.A registered very well used model goes for about 600,000 naira
Pros: loads of power, great handling
Cons: Tiny glove box

Puny Glove box