Make that Paper

Just one day after writing a piece to celebrate Land Rovers 40th anniversary I get to witness the original 1970 series breakdown right before me.

kai.. dis Moto Heavy o!!!!!!!!
Quite often we’re told that Nigerians are a bunch of resilient, hard working, never say die people but when you witness this kind of determination by my friends over at Lastma to make that ‘paper’ you’ve got to ask yourself am I doing enough for my hustle?
This guys actually helped the unsuspecting driver of this classic push this 2Ton+ monster unto the kerb and then bill em’ while askari stands watch…..

Stop dia my evening cheda has come

Evoque

Other than its utilitarian origins, Land Rover has best kept its Heritage. Of the 4x4 vehicles you see on the road, Land Rover is the 2nd oldest brand, being younger only to the founding father of 4x4’s (Jeep). If you’ve ever been to Oniru beach you probably would’ve seen what the ‘prehistoric’ Land Rover looked like ( you know the ones that are used in transporting machine vibrated blocks) they’re called the Land Rover Defender and it hasn’t really changed much from the series 1 that launched the brand in 1948.

1948 Series 1 Land Rover
Land Rover 2008 Defender

On Land Rover’s lineup is the Discovery now popularly known as the LR3 or 4 depending on what model you bought.

Land Rover Discovery 2000 Model


LR3 2005 Model

The Free Lander is the baby of the range and the flagship model is the Range Rover.

Land Rover Free Lander 2000 model


Land Rover Freelander 2

Range Rover is Land Rover’s Luxury division. The 1st Range Rover was designed in 1970 to further help Land Rover move upward the Luxury market. The secret was to build a vehicle that could take Land Rover’s best customers everywhere in style and comfort, be it a camping trip out in the mountains or take a cruise in style and comfort on the back roads. Till date, only 3 generations of Range rovers exist!!!!!!!!!!!

Range Rover Generations

Range Rovers most popular stint probably came up under BMW ownership in 2002, but unfortunately like Jose Mourinho in Chelsea Bmw did not last long enough to reap all her rewards for the fine work it had done. To celebrate her 40th anniversary, Range Rover introduced the EVOQUE.

Victoria Beckham at the unveiling of the Evoque

The EVOQUE is the 1st Range Rover to come in an optional 2WD mode. They say it’s the most fuel efficient and most environmentally friendly Range Rover yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s so hugely celebrated that Victoria Beckham was involved in the design phase just to up the Swag a little bit more. You want one, you'll be able to get one from next year when it goes on sale!

Flying Spur

The Bentley Continental flying Spur
In the picture above, there are basically two objects, me and if you get the other I’d be impressed. It’s a Bently. Do I hear you say the Bently Continental? *bell rings* you’re so wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s the Bently Continental Flying Spur!!!!!!!!!!
Merely looking at the picture above, almost no one could tell it was the flying spur. It shares the same platform as the 2 door continental, but it has two more extra doors. Also up on offer is the famous W12 engine from Volkswagen. The Flying spurs has all of the advantages of the coupe and none of the draw backs.
The Bentley continental is what Volkswagen used in relaunching the Bentley line, its to Bentley what the Cayenne is to Porsche. The Continental has a monumental 12 cylinder engine in the form of a W12. Its every footballers dream car and almost all your favorite EPL players have one or have owned one in the past.

Bentley Continental GT

Bentley Continental Flying Spur
Its what you’d call a real executive super saloon. With a 12 cylinder naturally aspirated engine with over 500Hp, it’s no slouch!!!!!!!!!!!! 0-100 times are under 5seconds and with prices starting at 180 grand($), its not for everyone. This one seen here was quoted at 28Million naira!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s about all the money our Naija boy won in the Big brother all stars, now thats a worthy way to spend $200,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: I’d have given u’all more pictures, but my regular Camera man (jigga) was unavailable. I had to make do with Bode who’s an Amateur

Get out of the passengers seat

After a pulsating ride on a Honda power bike, I discovered a new respect for the 2 wheeled monsters. I was with Jigga and we were waiting for the CEO L.A.Y records when ever so suddenly I heard the vroom…brraaa..brooomm sound from a power bike. I and jigga walked over to examine and admire the bike more closely. The bike revved all the way to 14,000 RPM and the speedometer was digital.

Suzuki Monster
According to the biker he said he didn’t know what the limit was because he’d never maxxed it out. It had a 17L tank and it lasts him for 4 days!!!!!!!!! (that’s a miserly 1,105 naira with all that thrill).
I was busy taking pictures with the biker and believe it or not,’ Lagos lookers’ were gathering.

Vas1 and the Day Walker
(Well most were drivers caught in the dreadful Ozumba traffic heading towards the mainland) While taking pictures with the biker i was fortunate to witness the new method LASTMA officials devised in harrasing motorists in Lagos. The picture below shows it all.

Drop off man
There’s a drop off man. He gets off the bike, orders the driver to come to a halt and then attempts to get into the car.

Park.. Park!!!!!!!
Two years ago I had a similar experience on Akin Adesola- Adeola Odeku intersection. I was working from Sagamu then and wasn’t too familiar with the lastma rules; yes, LASTMA rules. Their rules are always contrary to the Highway Code. They make it up as they go along and if you Guck it.. you’ll pay up like the CEO. Before I could say Jack Bauer, two of them got in. 1 in front and the other behind. They ordered me to pull over right there by their post. I thought fast, l loked around for more officers and a tow truck. There was none. I hissed and became Vaswani MAD!!!!
I said who gave you guys permission to enter Slama? Did you buy her for me? I screamed in a very loud Elemide voice ‘get out’ or I’ll move. The idiot behind pretended to be on the radio doing the Charley 1 –roger 2 thing. He forgot he was holding a mobile phone and it takes at least 5 seconds for calls to connect on any network… Olodo!!!
I drove straight towards the bar beach and stopped around Karimu ikotun, the next thing that came out of my mouth was get out or I’ll drive straight to the beach and tell awon boys you tried to rob me( ofcourse, I was shouting), the shameless numb nuts started begging.. “oga please, we no know’…I said out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.. The more shameless fool in front then said please find us something to take a bike back to our post. I hissed opened the door, waited for them to put one foot on the floor and I zoomed off…
I’m sure one of them bruised his elbow from the fall. Now before you go and pass judgement on me. Where in the law does it say, for committing any offence. A LASTMA official gets to sit in your car. Sometimes they even order the passenger in front to go to the back seat????? They come up with offences that are bogus and fines that are insane.
I hate those guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby Boy

I’d say I’ve had my fair share of Adrenaline filled moments. I’ve loved cars from as far as I was a toddler; I loved the thrilling effects the sound of a powerful engine produces as its revved silly from a green light, it sends chills down my spine, knowing that I can run any one slower than me off the road.
It’s a passion I and my brother picked up from our Dad. Fixing my Dad’s car in his workshop was a really great bonding experience for three of us. I thought the most beautiful thing I had ever seen was a Supercharged V8 Mercedes E class melt rubber on the streets of Abuja.
I was wrong, I witnessed the birth of Akinolu Adeniyi Elemide come into the world right before my very eyes on a raining Sunday morning. The gentle cries of Mother and Son after delivery was more sonorous than any sweet sounding V8 I’d ever heard. Time stood still for me right there!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Akinolu Adeniyi Elemide
Niyi’s growing with pretty much with some of my interests. He gave a deep smile from his sleep on the journey back from the hospital as Dave powered past three cars in his 3.5V6 Acura RL( the only time he did so the entire journey) and he does wake up 3 or 4 times a night.
Here’s to another generation of Father –Son bonding through the love of Cars, I love you Son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Madness going on!!!!!!!!!!!

10, Adeboye ELemide Street, that’s the location where my Dad sighted his “Castle”. Pretty serene neighborhood, safe (except we got robbed just once, I was slapped to silly that day). Growing up in a neighborhood that’s quiet and peaceful somehow shapes your preference for a location when you’re about to make your own family.
I attended the University of Ibadan, served in Bauchi state and got a Job working with a multinational company in Sagamu. I was there for 2 years before relocating back to Lagos. Upon my return to Lagos, I stayed with Jigga in Lekki by the Sea side at alfa beach. It was a natural Habitat for me. It was peaceful, quiet and very safe Neighborhood. Everywhere I had stayed in prior to that time was relatively similar. I was so settled in that losing a house in Gbagada and getting one in Ajah did’nt seem like mch of a disappointment to me.
On a terrible day, the journey to work and back while I was at alfa beach (alfa beach is closer to Vi where I work than Ajah) lasted no more than 1.45mins (now, 3 hours seems the best time you can achieve). The reason, the ongoing repair of the lekki road by the state Govt. a project overseen by Lekki Concession Company (LCC) and construction work carried out by Hitech. The Job, expansion of the existing 2 lane road to a 3 lane road, the length of road, no more than 30Km to Ajah from VI, the duration of the project thus far, over 4 years!!!!! Going by the pro’s, of staying on the island, it’s been bearable; Spending close to 2 hours getting to and from work. It’s been hard but bearable.
I’m a firm believer that we take a lot for granted in this country and that we have little or no value for life. You want examples, the carnage that happened so very recently around the Berger axis of Lagos. A trailer lost control, rammed into a bunch of cars. Over 20 people died. How did this happen? Unconfirmed reports say that road blocks set up by police to collect 20 naira suddenly stopped a car; he slammed on the brakes… a pile up ensued!!!! How did the police men collecting 20 naira at the scene respond? They shot sporadically in the air and sped off. There are countless examples, so to save your time and mine, I’ll move on.
The said lekki road was constructed 28 years ago. An addition of just one lane is going on now, and over a distance of just under 30Km, there will be 3 Toll collection points!!!! The reason, LCC needs to recoup the money spent on constructing the road!!! The duration of collection, 30 years!!!!! The most annoying thing is this; these loosers constructing the road are backed by the Govt of the day!!!!! After suffering untold hardship, for such a long time, upon completion of the road, the hardship continues in the form of paying the Toll for most people, till they die!!!!!
The reason for my anger you might ask? I pay my F**Kn taxes. How do I explain the logic of this action by the govt supposedly elected into office by the citizens to my kids? Look around you, even in West Africa, the rest of the world is moving on. Today if a Governor constructs any stretch of road, you’re sure to find a Bill board of him somewhere along it, or in the dailies commemorating the achievement!!!!! These are basic amenities and if in 2010, we celebrate such in this country, it only tells you how far behind we are.
There’s a popluar saying that goes, a people only get the kind of leaders they deserve. I’m afraid it’s true in the case of Nigeria, because we celebrate Mediocrity in this country… and don’t even go there by asking “what would he do if he were there”? That’s the very tactic that’s been used to keep us so backward for so freaking long!!!!!!
Nigeria turns 50 in just under a month, what’s with all the money being borrowed for the massive celebration? It’s sad, what will you tell your kids if they ever ask, “Dad, why didn’t you do something”?

Road Rage

At the peak of his Career, Toni Tetuila did a song called “u don hit my car”. If you live in Lagos, I’m pretty sure you know what follows after hitting some1’s car? It’s almost always ends in a fight. The medical term for this behavior is called Road Rage and it’s defined as an aggressive or angry behavior by a driver of an automobile or other motor vehicle. It’s characterized by rude gestures, verbal insults, deliberately driving in an unsafe or threatening manner, or making threats. Drivers who suffer from this condition usually flare up and become un-usually angry while driving on the road, not letting anyone or anything get in their way even when the right of way is clearly not theirs.

I'm gonna bash your face in

If you’ve ever responded in any of the following manner below on the road, you most likely suffer from Road Rage:
• Generally aggressive driving, including sudden acceleration, braking, and close tailgating.
• Cutting others off in a lane, or deliberately preventing someone from merging.
• Sounding the vehicle's horn in intimidating or threatening melodies.
• Flashing lights excessively.
• Yelling or exhibiting disruptive behavior at roadside establishments.
• Driving at high speeds in the median of a highway to terrify drivers in both lanes.

I say this a dozen times on the way home
• Rude gestures (such as "the finger", or "mean face").
• Shouting verbal abuses or threats.
• Intentionally causing a collision between vehicles.
• Hitting other vehicles.
• Exiting the car to attempt to start confrontations, including striking other vehicles with an object.
• Threatening to use or using a firearm or other deadly weapon.
• Throwing projectiles from a moving vehicle with the intent of damaging other vehicles.

Well it’s safe to say then that almost every driver in Lagos suffers from Road Rage.


A lady flipping someone off
Here are a few ways of dealing with Road Rage;
• Get sufficient sleep. Quite a good number of people in this town sleep less than 5hours a day!!! Small wonder they get pissed off so easily.
• Plan ahead. If you meant to get to work at 7.30am, you need to incorporate the extra amount of time you’ll spend in traffic to get there. So get everything you’ll need the night before.
• Don’t take your anger out on the road. If your boss got you really angry back at the office, please leave the anger there. Do not take it out on the next fellow whose spouse probably pissed off and is trying to contain it.
• Turn down the music. It’s believed that loud and aggressive music influences our driving style. If you feel a rage coming on, listen to some Michael Bolton songs or I-FM
• Breathe in and out. Martin Lawrence tried same in the Bad boy’s sequel. He’d been under pressure from work and his therapist advised he tries the breathing technique.
• Pray every morning before leaving your house. There are a lot of really messed up people out there. People who have problems you cannot imagine!!!!!!!!!!!! Your prayer should always be that you never come across such people.

Half full-half empty

If the glass below appears to you as half full you may not agree with my next comment; not having a car does have its perks. You’re never sure of just how you’ll get home. You do know you will but you’re not sure how. As Jigga always says, no1 ever sleeps at the bus stop!!!!
It seemed like any other day. I’d hitch a ride to about 70% of the way home then fly a bike for the rest of it. It was panning out to be one of such days, the sky had turned really dark and it looked like I was gonna be beaten blue-black by the rain which was coming fast. As I got out of the Car, I stood briefly at the bus-stop. The Okada guys had hiked up the fares because of the rains which were fast approaching. I couldn’t even get one to take me home.
From the back ground I heard the rumbling sound of what was clearly a monster!!!! It was a Power Bike, in retrospect I don’t know if it was the fear of being drenched, I flagged the biker down as he was about to get on to the Highway( I naturally have a fear of bikes, I’ve had 2 bikes accidents, the last one less than 2years ago) . I said dude, can I go with you? He nodded yes and revved the Engine so violently… oh my, I was scared!!!! In my state of confusion about getting on the bike or not, 1 other skinny chap waiting for a bus or something said “chairman if you no wan enter commot make I follow the guy”.
I needed no other push, I got on the Bike and ohhh my!!!!! It was to be the most Adrenaline filled 5 minutes of my Life!!!!! It was a 500CC Honda bike. It clocked out at 280Km and the engine Revved all the way to 14,000 RPM. Just to give you an idea of how mad the engine revved, take a look at the next car you get into, it’s not going to rev past 7000 RPM before it red lines. This bike was a screamer and so did I also scream all the way till I got off. In less than 5 seconds we were already doing 180KM/ hour on a stretch of road that a regular car will struggle to attain 100Km/ hour.
This bike had more gears than D-Banj has sun glasses. As if the biker knew it was my 1st time on a power bike, he was riding like he was mad, overtaking everything in eye’s sight!!!! Leaning from the left to right, the bike pitched and dived as he got of the clutch to the brakes and back again. I’ve been in quite a number of cars, some fast some slow, some really fast. But nothing has the kind of acceleration this thing had!!!! It’s got to be illegal???
I can confidently tell you, that short of owning a Lamborgini Murceilago LP 670-4SV, there’s nothing that can accelerate that fast. I was still screaming by the time we got to my stop and didn’t stop for another couple of minutes… it was a pleasant one….. I loved Slama, but I’m glad she’s gone. Only your exit could’ve paved the way for such a mad and obscene ride!!!!!

Blow out

Blow out may be defined as a sudden escape of a confined gas or liquid. As a driver, there are a few things you’re never trained for and one of them is a ‘blow out’. For me it was a much more cold experience than a robbery incident that had a pistol jammed right in my stomach. It can be a scary experience and often you see your life flash right past you as you hear the loud deafening sound of your tires as they rip to pieces and you struggle to bring your car to a stop. You remember every movie you’ve seen where someone lost a tyre and the car somersaulted.
The most common causes of blow out’s are usually aging tire’s. Experts say that the life span of a tyre is 4 years from its date of manufacture!!!!! In a country where we have challenging roads it’s safe to say that this value must be lower here. Our roads do make our cars take a beating and the tire’s which connects cars to the roads must suffer the worst of it. Incorrect tyre pressure, worn tires from alignment issues also aid blow outs.

Blow out on a 4x4 vehicle
I was lucky as the Blow out I experienced (twice) was below a 60Km/ hour and at both times the rear tires were lost. My brother, Jigga had his at a much more interesting speed of a 110Km/ hour. He’d been travelling at 170Km /hour but felt the need to reduce his speed. That must’ve been God speaking to him. He recalls that as he dropped to 110km/ hour, he saw his left rear tyre explode and rip to pieces in his rear view mirror. He said it was like time had been slowed down. All he remembered at that point was that our Dad said don’t stamp on the brakes…don’t stamp on the brakes if you ever have a blow out.

High speed blow out on a Ferrari
Normal braking requires an even distribution of brake force in the car, when you experience a blow out, the brake force is no longer uniform as the tyre that has lost pressure from the escaping air will not find traction. This is made worse when the driver stamps on the brakes. The car simply loses control and depending on the road speed and tyre in question, you may somersault!!!!
In the event of a blow out;
1st thing you should do is not to panic.
2nd do not step on the brakes. (Your natural instinct is to brake…DON’T)
3rd grab your steering wheel with both hands.
4th take your foot off the accelerator.
5th look for the clearest stretch of road ahead of you and point the car in that direction
6th let the car coast to a stop (let it come to a stop on its own)
7th put up the necessary caution signs and change to your spare (hope fully you’d have 1)
Its essential to bear in mind that as you service your engine at intervals, tyre maintenance is also a must and should not be left to road side vulcanizers. This must be done at a service station where the alignment and wheel balance is checked by professionals( i and Jigga once met a road side vulcanizer who swore he could simply by looking at your tires set it to the right pressure). If you suffer an engine failure from neglect, you most likely will survive it, a tyre failure from Neglect? Well I don’t know..........

Be Smart

Slama bowed out of my possession in the week just passed. As a result of our very un-reliable transportation system in this country I’ve had to hitch a ride with anyone heading my way. On one of such trips home I got into an argument with the occupant of the vehicle I was in. Namely Jigga and one Igbo Boy.
The loud mouthed Igbo Boy made a very offensive comment. He said if he were in a Discussion continues (Honda Accord 2005) and someone pulled up to him in a Skoda Octavia, He’d laugh real silly at the Octavia guy. Needless to say, I was angered by his comments as this is the Lame, un-informed and un-spirited loyalty that makes cars like Honda and Toyota’s so very expensive the world over.

Skoda superb

Toyota Camry
How did Honda and Toyota achieve their reputation for reliability? : By building cheap and dependable cars spanning over 60years. So what is so funny when an Auto Company with a humble background (19 years since Vw’s owned Skoda) that makes sensible cars so funny? I promised him that other than my love for German cars I’d prove him wrong with Statistics.
The Following day I got digging and got the following:

The figures speak for themselves, in a previous article the reason people are killing themselves for certain brands isn’t because they like them it’s because others are buying them. At 3million Naira the 1.6MPI Octavia is more than a worthy bargain. It’s as far as I’m concerned a better car than the Corolla (I didn’t even bother getting the cost of the corolla just to show you how confident I am)
Let’s also keep in clear perspective that Toyota isn’t as reliable as it used to be. According to caranddriver.com, Toyota lost the Accord/Camry battle with the launch of the last generation Accord. A record it held for the previous 5 generations. Then there’s the UIA, un-intended acceleration that a good portion of Toyota’s line suffered which led to a world-wide recall ( I don’t remember any Toyota’s being recalled in Nigeria).
On a final note, let’s not get carried away by the success of the day, else you risk loosing it to harder, more committed and ever dynamic competitors. The winner here by any milestone is clearly the Skoda, even demonstrated by its Superb name.